Tuesday, August 26, 2008


The movie fortress is just too kick ass not to write about. It stares the guy who plays Rayden in the Mortal Kombat movies. I looked it up to confirm that he was the same guy and noticed that there is going to be a Mortal Kombat remake with the same guy playing Rayden! I don't know what created his accent.

In this movie Rayden dude and his wife go to prison because his wife was knocked up and future America has a very strict one baby per family law, which they will put you in Jail for like 38 years for breaking. They got caught by a boarder crossing guard who had a cool prego scanner. They were crossing the boarder from Canada into America and what I don't understand is why they didn't just stay there.

So anyways they were sent to prison for about 38 years. They didn't get sent to any old prison, they got sent to motherfucking FORTRESS. Fortress is a underground prison which exists in the middle of a desert, the prison has all kinds of cool laser shit going on, and some fucked up mind reading scanners that project a grid on your head while they scan you. If you dream they fuck with your dream and turn it into something terrible. Rayden was dreaming of fucking his wife when the warden stepped in and fucked it up, not until he watched for a few minutes though.

And the warden is.....



I am going to tell you his real name because it is blowing my mind. His real name is Kurtwood Smith. So anyways Warden Red Forman turned out to be some fucked up cyborg thing who gets exploded after being shot a bunch and he explodes into blue cool aid. It looked delicous. It turned out that he was a baby owned by the company that owns the prison. The comany uses the babies from prego convicts to create slaves to help run the prison better. Red Forman bartered with Rayden guy's wife and she ended up living in the Wardens quarters so that her baby didn't turn into a fucked up blue coolaid blooded monster. She was pretty lucky because he had no reproductive organs and couldn't rape her. He only wanted her for company because he had lived his entire life in the quarters. Honestly the film is worth seeing just because Red Forman explodes.

Apparently there is a sequal.